My Guide on How to Date Transgender Women
I have discovered that online dating being a transgender woman brings a set of complications that can make dating both difficult and sometimes seemingly frustrating.
I have had many years of dating as a transgender person and really wanted to pass on my experience to fellow trans people which should help you avoid the pitfalls of dating, this information is for both trans people and their prospective partners to better help and understand each other’s needs whilst dating.
Online dating as a transgender woman oftentimes is not the most pleasant thing on Earth. Many guys don’t treat me the way they would treat any other woman, even if they like me. I get disrespected more often than I’d like to admit, and that is why I’ve decided to write down some tips for those who are new to transgender dating.
I am not a novelty or a fetish.
The question among some men is ‘Would you date a transgender women?’ One of the guys I went on a date with joyously exclaimed how he had never dated a transgender woman before. Following that, he commented on how he was wondering how I managed to tuck my penis away. And once I told him that I had a vagina, he was in utter shock, and said ‘No way!’ So, first rule of transgender dating: I’m not something you’re supposed to experiment with.
I am not a Google search.
I find that many men go out on dates with me out of sheer curiosity. It should not be necessary for me to tell you that I am not a Google search, but a person with feelings. I’ve had so many men ask questions such as ‘How did you do it?’, ‘What does the surgery look like?’ It is inappropriate to ask such things in general, let alone on a first date.
Not all trans women have the same body or personality.
There was this one guy I dated to whom I had to explain that he shouldn’t immediately assume that all transgender women have the same body or personality. Yes, I actually had to explain that to him. I proceeded to tell him that it would be the same as if I were to assume that all men I date have 8’’ in their pants.
Being transgender is like having a label, and it is exactly because of that label that people have a fixed idea of me. We are all different, so don’t be pushy with your stereotypes.
Never, ever say ‘You don’t look trans!’
This is probably the most common ‘compliment’ men give me. Let me get things straight once and for all: telling a transgender woman that she doesn’t look trans/that you never guessed she was trans is NOT a compliment. I’m not here trying to trick you, and I am not interested in playing any games. I’m me.
Talk about normal date stuff.
As I’ve already said, don’t treat me like a Google search. Instead, ask me some normal first-date questions. ‘What’s your favorite dish?’, ‘What are your hobbies?’, ‘Do you have a pet?’ It’s not that hard. I just want you to treat me like any other woman.
Know the differences between gender and sexuality.
I recently went out on a date with a man who told me how it was funny that I was trans since he recently started questioning his sexuality. No, no, no! When you saw me, you thought I looked great as a woman, and you never once questioned my gender. Therefore, you were attracted to a woman. Being into me does not affect your sexuality in any shape or form.
Transgender dating won’t change your sexuality.
Let me repeat that one more time. I’m aware that there is a hell lot of stigma surrounding men dating trans women. Opinionated people will be the first ones to comment on it, but I reassure you that your sexuality will remain the same if you get into transgender dating. Also, it does not make you any less of a man, trust me.
Don’t disrespect my sexuality.
I had someone I know tell me how they wanted to introduce me to a guy, because ‘he’s gay as well.’ I am not gay, I am a straight woman. It shouldn’t be that hard to differentiate, I believe.
Look for the beauty in my journey.
I believe that all transgender people’s journeys are beautiful. We’ve gone through so much to become the beautiful beings that we are today. Respect our journeys and courage.
Don’t try to hide me.
Unfortunately, it is because of that previously mentioned stigma that some guys try to keep me a secret. I find that quite disrespectful. And I don’t mean to say that I am blaming them. I’m actually blaming society for treating them that way. Nonetheless, I advise you to find some courage and show me off the way I deserve to be. This doesn’t exclusively apply to me, but all transgender women.
Just like anyone else, I fear rejection.
Of course, I won’t tell you that. I will put on an act and say that I’m better off without you anyway. But in all honesty, I will go home and cry myself to sleep. Just like anyone else, I fear rejection. And just like anyone else, I want to be accepted the way I am.
It doesn’t define who I am as a person.
Just like depression, for example, doesn’t define one as a person, my being transgender doesn’t define me either. I fell into this trap about three years ago. Whenever a man tried to approach me, I would immediately proclaim ‘I’M TRANS!’ It’s funny to me now that I think about it, but it definitely wasn’t even remotely funny back then. I was just afraid of what could happen if they found out later on.
I am much more thoughtful when it comes to that now. Of course, it is not like I wait half a year to tell them. But I would much rather have them get to know me for me first.
Online dating can be hell, but not allways.
Even though many dating websites claim that they’re LGBTQ friendly, I would argue that and say that they’re LGBQ friendly.
Having read many articles and comments online, I found that only 14-18% of Americans say they would be willing to date a transgender person. It’s really discouraging to see how many people state that they would never, ever date someone who is transgender. And this is only one of the many reasons why transgender dating is so hard. I’ve heard those things over and over again, but you never really make peace with it. It’s disheartening.
I have done some research on eight of the most popular dating websites, and the majority of them force you to choose from one of the two options: male or female.
All in all, I hope lots of men get to read this article. I, together with the rest of the beautiful trans women in the community, want them to understand why this is so hard for us. Have some understanding. And don’t take this the wrong way; there are many kind and understanding people out there. I just wanted to emphasize some of the worst things you could say to a trans woman and let you know that you should avoid them.
I want to conclude this by saying that transgender dating comes with lots of disrespectful actions and comments, and I believe it is time to change that once and for all.
The best of online dating websites; personally I believe that ‘TS Scene’ is the most inclusive dating site for us transgender folks. They have tons of options for gender and sexualities, especially when it comes to gender: you can choose between transgender man, transgender woman, gender fluid, and non-binary.